It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
