You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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