i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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