theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
