I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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