Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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