I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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