Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
