It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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