my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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