Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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