I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Drunk walkin through police station. America
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize