Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
