i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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