Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
