He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize