Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
