Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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