too bad you live with your parents still
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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