it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
