everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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