Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
