There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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