There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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