Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
