Please, let me fuck your mom
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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