Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
