My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
