If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
