Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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