I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
