I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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