i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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