Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
