Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
