going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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