last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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