I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
