haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize