so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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