I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
