He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
