You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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