dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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