her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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