I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
