Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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