p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
