i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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