M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize