I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
