I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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