Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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