hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
