i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
