I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
