Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
