This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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