girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
