Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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