How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
