I feel like I'm in dance class right now
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
