I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
