brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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