I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize