Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize