I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
