I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
