so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
whose ass print is on the piano?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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